Category Archives: Worst Films

Top 5 Ways I Would Fix “Twilight”

    “Twilight” is a film in a movie that in my opinion are just awful. I got a third of the way through the book and only got through the movie because I was watching it with close friends so it was fun to make fun of how cheap it all looked and how hackney the writing was and how problematic many of the themes are. Now usually I’d do a review with a score but criticisms of “Twilight” have been done to death so I decided to take a different approach. Why not instead of just critiquing it I offer solutions to fix it, and well here are my Top 5 Solutions to make “Twilight” a good movie. Keep in mind that I am just going off the movie and not the extended universe. I don’t care about that stuff. These are just 5 solutions to fix the film based off the characters that make up the film. So without further ado, here are my Top 5 Ways I’d Fix “Twilight.”

 

5 – Make it About Laurent 

The film I imagine is more akin to “Interview With a Vampire,” with Bella getting the story of Vampires from an actual vampire who eats people but keeps it on the down low. This is exactly what this character does and because of it he never stops being threatening and cool. I wanted more about this guy as he was traveler so had no doubt seen a lot. The fact that he was based in the States means he could have been a former slave and seeing that perspective, especially in a vampire film would be something completely new. This side character was the best part of the film and if the film had bothered to be about him could have been great. This is more of a traditional vampire story and is a whole lot better than “Twilight” and it leaves Bella with the choice to join or fight against what he is doing. Keep in mind, I don’t know his story in the books or in later films, this is based off the first impression I got from “Twilight” the film.

4 – Give a Reason for Wanting to be a Vampire – Terminal Illness 

Bella needs a reason to risk everything including her life possibly…having mortality or suffering at stake makes that possible. Whether it is Bella wanting to turn so she can save her father or simply to save herself it gives a dilemma as it shows the Vampires as selfish if there are no real consequences to becoming a vampire (there aren’t any downsides in the film really), though if we get that becoming a vampire is an actual curse because like traditional you become a parasite who kills or turns others and needs humans as a source for food…well that is different and it takes the same premise as stated above and raises the threat. This isn’t a romance, though there can be some romance there…it is a matter of survival and the choices of desperation and mortality.

3 – Cullen Civil War 

Vampires are ancient beings so you get that there would be different ideologies. The Cullens are bland and are the weakest part of this film. What could have fixed that is giving a dilemma. We can still have the vampires who don’t eat humans, but there should be conflict over that. Some of the family should hunt humans making the romance more dangerous as well as making Bella pulled into something much bigger than herself. I think they do this in later movies but we don’t need other vampires when you can achieve the same thing with the Cullens. Make them scary and give different ideologies that are in play, those who want to get along with the humans and remain invisible (Professor X mentality to some degree) or to subjugate the humans and who plot to enslave or control the food source (Magneto’s mindset to some degree). This drama alone could be explored in a fascinating way through the film, you don’t even need the romance for it to work as Bella could be our audience insert into exploring this conflict through her friendship with one of the people (Alice or Edward most likely).

2 – The Cullens Attack the School – Survival Horror film 

This could have been a horror film. Bella’s friends are some of the more interesting characters in the film. Anna Kendrick is the popular girl, she’s friends with a jock, a stoner and quite a few nerds. Hell I wanted to see a film about this group of kids fighting vampires in their school. This is a book that could have gone full Buffy. What if the Cullens decide to use the school as a feeding ground during the eclipse or a dance…this could be a fun and campy horror film with actual tension and the characters who I liked could become fully fleshed out rather than being left behind to explore the bland Cullens, Bella and Edward. More Vampire films and stories need more “Buffy,” one of the best shows that made vampires scary and complex. If you truly have to throw in a romance make Edward more than a cipher and have him actually dealing with the curse and being a murder rather than the moody guy who hunts deer. Hell he can be our Angel in the story if there “has” to be a romance rather than the organic romance between friends in a survival situation.

1 – Leaving a Toxic Relationship – An Empowerment Story

       The final way that “Twilight” could be fixed is being more explicit in the toxic nature of the romance going on. This could be a story of Bella escaping abuse from a controlling stalker boyfriend and her realizing that he is those things is what happens as well as her taking control of her agency to free herself. He is vampire so the threat is even greater as we see her slowly put her life back together, find allies in her school friends and in the end take out Edward when he doesn’t take no for answer, since the character we meet is a toxic, controlling stalker anyway. This is a story about empowerment and a fully fleshed out Bella rather than the cipher who rewards toxic behavior and abuse that we see in the film and in the book.

I hope you liked my list. If you have ideas if your own I’d like to hear them. I plan to do more lists like this in the future as simply scoring a bad film and ranting about it gets old, and it is so much more fun coming up with solutions rather than just ranting about problems.

The Circle (2017): Just Watch “Black Mirror” Instead

      “The Circle” is an unfocused mess full of hack characters and no discernible theme. I hear the book is good so just read the book. I’ll go into why I went from disliking to hating this film in a moment because there is quite a lot to unload on this film, but the biggest parts are that lack of theme, half-formed characters and with all of that, failure to go full ham. If you are going to be cheesy you should bank on it and in doing so create your own form of malformed beauty.

  The film was directed by James Ponsoldt who was also one of the producers, written by Dave Eggers who also wrote the book and produced by Anthony Bregman and Gary Goetzman.

    The story involves Mae (Emma Watson) getting a job at The Circle (A facebookish tech. company) thanks to her friend Annie (Karen Gillan). She soon finds it is not the paradise it seems to be when the public sharing among the circle and constant call for interaction begins to unfold leading to dark consequences.

SPOILERS ahead

The Pros: The Concept – The concept is a lot like a “Black Mirror” episode. What happens when social media becomes a society and you are under pressure to reveal your life and what you are doing at all times? I like this concept but this isn’t the focus or the theme of the film, even though the trailers seem to set it up that way.

The Cinematography – The cinematography looks great, there are great uses of shadow and holograms to really illustrate the future. You can tell the director put a lot of love into this film…

The Cons: Hack Characters – Dave Eggars wrote the book, but apparently can’t write screenplays. None of these characters feel fully fleshed out. Mae the main character is almost set up to have a rise to power only to become a reformer…but the reasons with that don’t feel all that explored.

   She has an off the grid ex who is the “hero” of the film, which in turn shuts down her becoming a professional within her own life. He also gets harassed for his antler art? What the hell. He is a paranoid guy in the woods whose paranoia ends up being justified but we never get to know him. He is an idealized version of the off the grid blue collar hero. What the ever living hell…He’s not a character and they turn him into a martyr when people stalk him on a new program and he drives off a bridge. We are told they do things together or did things together, but we never see it. It is all tell and now show. Again, he’s an idea not a character.

Her best friend Annie is rising in the company and disappears. I wanted to see her rise and fall arc. But she is barely around…Same Ty Lafitte…John Boyega’s character who is fighting the Circle and invented another giant tech. media company…and finally Hanks’s Eamon, one of the founders whose agenda is never known and who is only around as a vague threat. These aren’t characters, these are concepts in a terrible script.

Social Media and Tech. Paranoia – We are told to fear tech. (her parents telling her not to trust the Circle and her ex being off the Grid) and we see how it turns her and Annie into monsters at times…but that is also contradicted with the ending. This is a vague theme that exists but doesn’t go anywhere and is never fully explored.

A Missed Corruption Arc – This is a hackneyed script in a hammy story…so knowing this, they should have just made Mae a villain. Her life is public, make her a Trump figure who can lampoon people she talks too and win by being horrible…since we see her do this a few times till “noble” ex gets the axe. I wanted her to take out the owners and gain control of the company. That would have made this film a beautiful disaster that is “So bad it’s good.” Sadly this potential is missed. They should have embraced tech and information as power that corrupts…what a waste.

Lack of any Theme – There is no core theme. There is a vague sense of distrusting smart phones and social media…but Mae makes everything public in the end to take out The Circle’s founders. So, what was the ever living point of this film? If you don’t have a purpose, why were you made? The sad thing is the author of the book was the screenwriter…A writer should know the themes they intend to explore.

  I don’t recommend this garbage. This was a film that could have been “So Bad it’s Good,” if it had been comfortable in tech. and information as corrupting influences of power theme, or it could have gone full revolution and had Boyega, Gillan and Watson team up early to take on the Founders. That’d be asking too much of this film though. This is a film that doesn’t know what it wants and doesn’t have any real characters, jut half formed ideas in a broken mess. Seriously, save your money and watch “Black Mirror,” you’ll get well focused themes of technology fears that have a clear focus in theme and character. This film is one of the worst I’ve watched in quite some time.

Final Score: 3 / 10

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): A Horror Film That Doesn’t Know What Point It Wants to Make

a-nightmare-on-elm-street

    We continue “Horror Month” with  “A Nightmare on Elm Street” is not very good. This is a film that has hocky flat acting, doesn’t know the point it wants to make in the premise and fails to fully define the monsters so all the actions the protagonist takes throughout the film end up meaning absolutely nothing. I’m curious if the remake will fair any better as I plan on comparing and contrasting the two after I review it. For the record though, the remake doesn’t have to do much to beat this film.

      The film was directed by Wes Craven who also wrote the film and produced by Robert Shaye.

    The story involves Nancy and her friends be stalked in their dreams by a mysterious clawed man. As each of her friends keep getting killed off Nancy must figure out who is killing them and how stop him before she is killed too.

The Pros: The Premise – The premise of a killer killing people in their dreams is pretty cool. It reminds me of a conceptualized boogy man and just increases the horror as we need sleep to live. Sadly this isn’t explored to it’s fullest degree.

The Idea of Freddy Krueger – Freddy is an interesting baddy it’s just a shame we never get his backstory beyond him being a child killer. He is a fantastic monster but his powers are never fully defined and the reason he keeps living is never defined either when he’s already been killed at least once.

Okay: The Kills – Some of the kills are really creative…from Rod being hung in prison, Tina being pushed against the sealing and Glen being pulled into his bed. Each of them are nightmarish and help establish the horror that is Freddy Krueger.

The Cons: The Acting – The acting is flat and none of the actors have any inflection. For this reason it is hard to get invested in the story and if you do mange to the writer ruins it with the ending.

The Characters  and Writing-The characters are one-dimensional characters in a morality play. Each of them usually gets killed after being sexually active and that is the only depth they get. There is even a hokey line of “I hate morality” form one of the characters…yes someone actually says that. This film is so bad.

The Ending – Nancy the protagonist learns that she can pull Freddy into the real world so sets traps for him and brings him into the real world killing him once with fire and later psychologically realizing that fear is what powers him up. This all gets canceled out in the next scene where Freddy kills her mother (he’s never targeted adults before) and traps all the kids who had died prior and also catches Nancy because I guess they were alive? The films ending cancels out everything it took to beat Freddy and makes it so he’s no longer a believable villain since nothing can stop him if he’s in the real world even after being killed physically and psychologically.

   This is a bad film, you might get some entertainment from the bad acting and writing but if you are looking for a good horror film do not look here. This is a film that doesn’t even know how to follow the rules it establishes for the world it takes place in. I can understand why it’s a classic a little bit because the idea of a dream killer and Freddy Krueger are pretty neat but the execution is so horrible that this film should have never turned into a Franchise.

Final Score: 3 / 10

The “Die Hard” Films – Worst to Best

Die Hard

    Going through the “Die Hard Franchise” was an experience of both the good and bad variety. There are very few Franchises that can boast having 2 of my favorite films in them and also some of the worst films that make the “Star Wars” prequels look good by comparison. When “Die Hard” gets bad it gives us some of the worst films in existence. Maybe they’ll recover after they make the 6th film but given how the last 2 films of the Franchise went I’m not counting on anything. So without further ado, here are the “Die Hard” films from worst to best.

a-good-day-to-die-hard

5th) A Good Day to Die Hard

    Jai Courtney is one of those rare actors who has such a non-presence in most things he’s in that his being there is rarely a pro or con in a film. In this film he’s awful and we get John McClane as a super cop James Bond like character in a story that takes place in Russia (Because his son is a secret agent apparently) where the villain’s plan is so incomprehensible even after reading wikipedia I had no idea what he’d wanted to achieve. McClane isn’t McClane and feels like a cartoon character of what the studious think McClane is and most of the plot is just pointless action, bad CGI and references to the better films in the series which makes this film feel like a scam. There are zero reasons to see this film unless you want to see how not to make an action movie.

0 / 10

https://cameronmoviesandtv.wordpress.com/2016/10/07/a-good-day-to-die-hard-2013-john-mcclane-is-not-james-bond-and-this-film-is-a-cliched-mess/

live-free-or-die-hard

4th) Live Free or Die Hard

    “Live Free or Die Hard” is really where we first have the metaphorical death of John McClane. He no longer feels like a hardened cop in rough situations and begins to feel like a Super Cop James Bond as we see him get out of situations that are impossible on his own and exist only as catch phrases and references to the other better films. There is no longer McClane working with people it is just McClane being macho and having his cool rub off on other people. This film feels like what the Studio thought the other “Die Hard” films were but misses the point of them entirely. We no longer have a mortal hero who is deeply flawed and improvises his way out of situations, we have an unstoppable cop. The villains are lazy hackers who have no real motivation or threat to them and every guy in this is a sleaze besides McClane. This was a hack film and the only reason to see it is it has echoes of “Die Hard” buried underneath all the crap, which kept it from being a 0 like the film that came after this one. This film really dumbed down the entire Franchise and was the beginning of the end.

3 / 10

https://cameronmoviesandtv.wordpress.com/2016/10/06/live-free-or-die-hard-2007-the-dumbing-down-of-the-die-hard-franchise/

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3rd) Die Hard 2

   “Die Hard 2” is very much a sequel. It takes place on Christmas, McClane has to fight the local police to get anything done and the villains aren’t all that fleshed out. One thing that the film did that it could have done more with is why the U.S. soldiers joined up with the Dictator who they rescued…he has to be pretty amazing for them to be loyal to him and the fact that he was “Good at killing communists,” is a good place to start. This is a film that had the potential to be great and is still very good in it’s own right. The airport being held hostage with the planes above as the ticking clock to stop the villains is wonderful and McClane feels real and is only able to win at the end due to help from the local police in D.C. who’d been fighting against him. I recommend this film for sure. It is a solid action film and a good sequel.

8.2 / 10

https://cameronmoviesandtv.wordpress.com/2016/10/05/die-hard-2-1990-a-good-sequel-that-could-have-been-more/

Die Hard

2nd) Die Hard

    You might be wondering why “Die Hard” isn’t number one on the list given that it is a classic, it started everything and it is one of my all time favorite films. The reason it isn’t higher is so much of what is done is done by McClane alone so we aren’t given the chance to really get to know the people he relates to. Hans Gruber is an amazing villain and I like that he presents himself as a idealist terrorist but is really just a thief. Sadly we don’t get to find out what he wants to do with the money though and that is one of the few issues I have with the film that keep it from being perfect. The focus on McClane works but it also means other characters don’t get explored (like his wife) and Hans’s motivation was a missed opportunity to give an already amazing villain more depth. I still highly recommend this film and it is a favorite and easily one of the best action movies of all time. R.I.P. Alan Rickman, you played one of my favorite characters in cinema.

9.6 / 10

https://cameronmoviesandtv.wordpress.com/2015/12/26/die-hard-1988-an-amazing-and-classic-christmas-action-film/

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die-hard-with-a-vengeance

1st) Die Hard With a Vengeance

    “Die Hard With a Vengeance” is the perfect action film. The villain is amazing in how he’s able to manipulate situations and his motivations are fully explored. He wants money because it gives him sovereignty and power so that he and his men no longer have to answer to anyone. Jeremy Irons owns this role and has created an iconic villain in Simon Peter Gruber, a character just memorable as his brother, Rickman’s Hans Gruber. Samuel L. Jackson is fantastic as Zeus too and helps McClane pull his life together as we see “Die Hard” pull of the Buddy Cop film as well. Every character gets explored and the action and twists are amazing! I seriously recommend this film as it is the perfect action film, it takes everything that worked about the first film and does more as well as doing some things the first film was unable to achieve and gives us a fully developed cast of characters and an unforgettable action story.

10 / 10

https://cameronmoviesandtv.wordpress.com/2016/10/06/die-hard-with-a-vengeance-1995-the-perfect-die-hard-film/

simon-gruber

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013): John McClane is not James Bond and This Film is a Cliched Mess

a-good-day-to-die-hard

       “A Good Day to Die Hard” succeeds in meeting new lows for this Franchise. This film is lazy, continues all the problems of the last film and even adds some new ones, just in case you thought the other film didn’t have bad enough writing this film decides to add horrible CGI, a nonsensical part that doesn’t even know what it wants the threat to be in the end. This film is hands down, one of the worst films I have ever watched. I’ll get into more of the reasons why later in the review.

     The film was directed by John Moore, written by Skip Woods and produced by Alex Young and Wyck Godfrey.

       The story involves John McClane (Bruce Willis) going to Russia to rescue his son Jack (Jai Courtney) who has got himself arrested in order to help a political prisoner, Yuri (Sebastian Koch) escape Russia. They both soon find themselves in over their heads as John’s arrival puts his mission at risk.

   There aren’t any pros or okays to name in this film so I’m just going to through the list of the many ways this film didn’t work at all.

 The Cinematography – The cinematography is super lazy. It is “Terminator 3” level and looks like a made for tv movie. The CGI really stands out and there are no unique shots so it depends on the writing and the writing is awful.

The Writing – The writing is cliched and has McClane going full tough guy, which in the first 3 films he was macho but that wasn’t what defined his character. In this he is a cartoon character…even Bond is more subtle, and I’m talking the Brosnan Bond who had zero subtly.

The Action – The action is boring and predictable…the last film for being as bad as it was, at least had passable action. It wasn’t the same repeated shot…in this they fight the same helicopter fight and we never know what is going on with the villains. They take no time to develop them because they just want to get to explosions. This film makes Michael Bay films look good.

The Special Effects – There is a scene with a truck hanging out of the back of a helicopter…it looks like 90’s level special effects…and this is 2013 when the film was made. Seriously, screw this film.

The Characters – If you though McClane was a cartoon character last film, this is even worse! This is how Hollywood imagines James Bond as an everyman when he isn’t an every man and John McClane was never and never shall be James Bond.

The Villains – They are political exiles but I never knew what they wanted. There is talk about a file and Chernobyl. I read the Wikipedia page and I’m still confused about what they wanted. Scientist dad and his assassin daughter just exist as threats for the sake of being threats…

Jack McClane / John McClane Jr. – Jai Courtney puts in his most bland performance since ‘Terminator Genisys!” He is allways reacting to his dad and is daddy issues incarnate without any real explanation given John McClane was saving the world in the last 4 films. He’s a secret agent so I’m assuming he’d known that, but that is also assuming these writers aren’t hacks and going for easy drama rather than realistic drama…and that’d be too much to ask.

John McClane – It feels like Hollywood really wants him as Bond or the agent from “Taken.” McClane has never been that and will never be that and when you have him pulling off impossible feats he ceases to be a character. For all intents and purposes his name because it is profitable is tacked onto this film but the McClane that was in films 1-3 is gone.

pointless References that Insult the Audience – “Yippy-Ki-Yay,” Jack throwing the villain off the building in slow mow…it’s insulting fanservice. Hey, maybe the audience will swallow this shit if you throw in enough references to a better film…This film shows the danger of where Franchises can go where it is no longer about stories and just referencing things that were better because they actually made sense or were unique in their time and place. When you do it now…it just become parody.

John McClane is not James Bond – John McClane goes to Russia, John McClane fights a mad scientist and his assassin daughter. If this sounds like a James Bond film, well it might have worked if it was…a bad James Bond film but a James Bond film. This film doesn’t know what it wants to be and it can’t keep making McClane the secret agent when he is supposed to be the every man working stiff.

    This movie is a mess and easily one of the worst action movies I have ever watched. The entire thing feels lazy and that they just wrote a crappy Russian Spy film and just put John McClane’s name on it because they knew it would make money. There is zero reason for this to be a “Die Hard” film as the reason for McClane to be in Russia are contrived and he’s written like a cartoon James Bond. That was never the character but it feels like the version of McClane they created last film who they have hankered down on…leaving the fully formed character from films 1-3 in the dust. This film isn’t worth your time and is one of the worst films I’ve ever watched.

Final Score: 0 / 10

Batman & Robin (1997): Bad Puns, Writing, Acting and an all Around Disaster

Batman and Robin

    “Batman & Robin” is the worst movie I have ever watched. Rarely have I ever seen something that had no redeemable aspects to it, as even Michael Bay films have explosions and action when you can actually see the action happening. This…the actors, script, score and characters are all awful. I usually try to look for something positive to say about a film as some bad things have some redeemable traits in the end, this was film where I couldn’t find any. I’m honestly surprised this film didn’t kill more film careers…at the very least Schumacher should have realized that he can’t direct. This film is a travesty.

    The film was directed by Joel Schumacher, written by Akiva Goldsman and produced by Peter MacGregor-Scott.

    The story, if it can be called that…involves Batman (George Clooney) and Robin (Chris O’Donnell) working to stop Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and the new villain Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) from destroying Gotham. Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) arrives in town as well when Alfred falls ill (Michael Gough).

  There is nothing good to say about this film so I won’t even bother listing Pros and Okays, this film sucks all the way through.

The Soundtrack – The soundtrack doesn’t know if it wants to be Burton or Adam West’s “Batman” score. It’s chaotic and unfocused and doesn’t do anything to present our characters and scenes and just blends together in a score of awfulness. Elliot Goldenthal did a horrible job.

The Cinematography – The cinematography is awful…we get close ups of people’s faces and other times we have shots that are just bland and boring. There is no character in any of the scenes and it brings the entire thing down further.

The Writing – Akiva Goldman is an awful writer…maybe this film was just a fluke, but it is a pretty horrendous fluke. None of the characters have clear motivation, the drama is contrived ranging from love venom to contrived family drama…nothing works, it sucks.

The Characters – Related to the writing, the characters are nothing like their comic counterparts…and I would have settled for corny Adam West versions of these characters as that could have worked if that was the story we were given. Instead our characters kill and are supposed to be intense and cool, and just come off looking silly…from the designs of the suits, to the dialogue…nothing works about them.

Bane – Bane is a skinny prisoner who is pumped full of venom to become a big guy. He can just repeat words and is just muscle. There is nothing good about this character and he is easily defeated by the tube on the back of his head getting pulled out. What a waste of a fascinating character from the comics. This one is just muscle and could have been replaced by any goon.

Alfred – Alfred is dying, and I wish I cared but we never see our characters deal with him dying. He looks pained at times but Schumacher can’t give it the weight it deserves so it just becomes a footnote in the script as Alfred is relegated to just another body at Wayne Manor. Also they save him thanks to Mr. Freeze so what drama was there in dealing with mortality just goes away. Poor Michael Gough for being in this…

Barbara Wilson / Batgirl – Batgirl like Robin is presented as a rebel and badass but just comes off as stupid. The way she speaks makes her sound like an airhead and she doesn’t really help her case when random goons she is racing trick her and Robin leading to them almost getting killed. Making her Alfred’ niece was just contrived too. We learn nothing about this character and she contributes nothing to the picture.

Dick Grayson / Robin – Chris O’Donnell, you are an awful Robin. Your character was annoying in “Batman Forever” and here you are even worse. In this his punk tendencies and clashing with Batman are played up as he “loves” Poison Ivy. Seriously, this guy a joke of a character. Everything he does nearly leads to him getting killed and he just ends up getting captured or hurt. Screw this character.

Bruce Wayne / Batman – George Clooney is the worst Batman. His dialogue feels stilted and unnatural, he doesn’t feel disconnected like Bruce Wayne should and the only defining trait he has is that he is protective of Robin. His suit is also awful too as it has nipples and a cod piece. Clooney looks the part but he can’t act it at all, and he’s a great actor and this crappy script ruined him too.

Dr. Pamela Isley / Poison Ivy – Uma Thurman is a good actress but she is awful in this. Her character is a walking sex object and she has no character but a strange crush on Mr. Freeze and wanting to kill humanity. Her motivations are never fully explored and she’s all the worst aspects of what Hollywood does to their female villains. She only fights using sex and she is the only villain who gets punished in the end. Seriously, this script and this presentation of her character are awful. Poison Ivy is an interesting character (like Bane) but this script clearly didn’t know how to write her at all.

Mr. Freeze – Arnold makes bad puns, he loves his wife who is frozen but it’s unbelievable because his performance feels completely phoned in. It doesn’t help that he changes immediate at the end after learning about Poison Ivy’s betrayal…the tragedy of Mr. Freeze is one of the best stories to come out of animation and the comics but all of that is turned to crap as Mr. Feeze is just a gigantic buffoon whose plans change on a whim and is easily manipulated by clearly untrustworthy people (Poison Ivy). Also his costume looks awful and his goons fight with hockey sticks…really. Screw this movie for ruining another great character who may never see good live action film because of the film.

The Jokes – This film has so many bad puns, and they are one liners. It is just awful as there is no charm to any of it and all the puns feel forced. I am huge fan of puns as anyone who knows me can attest, but it is possible to do them wrong and this movie is a shining example.

The Ending – The power of friendship beats the baddies and Freeze implies he’s going to torture or do worse to Poison Ivy, you know a kids movie.

     How could so many things go wrong? Shumacher’s “Batman Forever” was at least mediocre, this doesn’t even strive for that. I can see why Tim Burton didn’t want to produce this crap and feel bad for everyone connected to this film. The acting, writing, filming and soundtrack are all just awful and there is nothing redeemable in this. The film even tries to kill Alfred but we care so little about the characters around him it doesn’t matter. Even with that, they just bring him back to life. This is a movie that could have done camp well, instead it didn’t know what it wanted to be and became an atrocity of a picture. This is a film that is only worth watching to take down as all the things not to do in film making are on display here. Seriously, Schumacher showed just how bad of a director he could be in this and Akiva Goldsman’s script is just a travesty. Let this film be a cautionary tale that it doesn’t matter how great your characters are in the comics (all the characters in this film) they can still be ruined on screen if their stories are put into the wrong hands.

Final Score: 0 / 10. Worst film I’ve ever watched.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) – A Good Batman Story Trapped in a Terrible Film

Batman v Superman

      “Batman v Superman” is a terrible film. There is a good film in here (“The Dark Knight Returns” and what could have more fully come with that) but all that is drowned out in the baggage of Lois and Clark and anything involving some of the worst villains I have seen on screen. Lex Luthor and Doomsday are absolutely terrible characters and I never felt threatened or interested in them due to how they were written and portrayed. This is a film that tried to do so much and ended up completely failing because of it.

     The film was directed by Zack Snyder and wrote by David Goyer with Chris Terrio. The film was produced by Deborah Snyder and Charles Roven.

     The story starts with “Man of Steel” leaves off with Bruce Wayne witnessing the destruction of a Wayne Tower by Superman in the “Battle for Metropolis,” after saving people he is filled with hate towards Superman and thinks he is a threat that must be dealt with. Elsewhere Lex Luthor plots Superman’s destruction as well.

The Pros: The Cinematography – Visually, this film like “Man of Steel” is beautiful. The dark color pallet creates a visually stunning film that Larry Fong truly did a masterful job portraying. It looks like comics turned film, which is one of the few things this film has going in it’s favor.

The Soundtrack – Hans Zimmer once again creates a beautiful score and with Junkie XL we actually get some pretty rocking pieces…for example Wonder Woman has a fantastic theme that really captures the power of her character.

Perry White – Fishburne is finally allowed to do something! I really enjoyed the small role he played in this as the cynical editor of “The Daily Planet” who knows he is in a dying industry so is making the most out of what is profitable.

Alfred – Jeremy Irons is a great Alfred. His wit is dry and sharp and you can tell that he’s given up on helping Bruce Wayne move on so simply does what he can to protect him and help him realize the bigger picture. He really is an awesome character and I wish we’d gotten more time with him.

Bruce Wayne / Batman – Ben Affleck is a fantastic Batman and I can’t wait to see his solo outing. He potrays Batman who has lost all sense of grounding and has gone full Punisher so well…this is the Batman of “The Dark Returns.” He’s lost everything and is ready to do anything to protect his city and people, even if it means killing an unknown quantity like Superman. From his branding of criminals, to his shooting of minions…this Batman has lost all hope and really doesn’t reclaim any sense of self until the very end.

Against Authority and the Corruption of Power – A running theme is one of anti-authority and a critique of power, especially that which is absolute. We see the government hearings, Batman and Lex attempt to hold Superman’s power in check, while in the case of Lex and Batman they were already a corrupt power already out for themselves…in this way there really aren’t any heroes. No one is there to protect the innocent and reel unchecked power in, and that is the true tragedy of the film as this should have been what the film was about with a moral Superman and vigilante Batman.

Okay: Wonder Woman / Diane Prince – We don’t get to know Wonder Woman all that well except to learn she was around in World War 1 and is a Meta-human. She has an awesome theme song though and the scenes we have with her are alright. I’m interested in her solo film at least.

The Cons: Lois Lane – Lois continues to be a cipher and plot device and I couldn’t stand her character. She never brings up Jimmy Olsen or his death or asks Superman why he isn’t looking at the bigger picture beyond her, she’s part of the problem with Superman and that never gets called out. She is a core reason why he’s so selfish.

Martha Wayne – Martha is just kind of there and also enabling Superman’s lack of growth as she tells him that he owes humanity nothing (um, Earth is his adopted world so he owes it by being a part of it) and she like Lois just needs to be saved and focuses as a cliched plot device.

Superman / Clark Kent – This guy is a cipher who can only see Lois and random people on television tops. I thought he’d seek to write the wrongs of the battle of Metropolis but instead he spends all his time being selfish and not taking those who may die in his fights into account. He has no moral high ground over Batman and is just as bad. If Lex had actually been a well written character I would have been rooting for him to kill this guy.

Doomsday – Boring villain who looks like a giant Cave Troll and gets more powerful when he is hit with energy. Seriously, he only exists to kill Superman. He wasn’t even needed in this as Batman could have killed Superman and realized his mistake…instead we get a villain that is poorly rendered CGI and has zero character.

Let Luthor – Where Doomsday has zero character Lex lacks a consistent character. I didn’t know why he wanted to kill Superman as him being anti-alien and super hero made no sense when he created Doomsday, his plots were also pointless too as Batman was already trying to kill Superman. Jessie Eisenberg is just awful. Seriously, this guy annoyed me more than Sandman and Venom in “Spider-Man 3” and Doctor Doom in the “Fantastic Four” films. One theory is he is Lex Jr. and the real Lex Luthor is still in the wings, I hope so because this guy is an inconsistent joke who comes off as a really poor rendition of the Joker.

Lack of Focus – There are three films in this. The Batman film, which is good. The Justice League film which goes from okay to bad, and the Superman film which is just terrible. Either one of these films on their own could have been a favorite, or at least enjoyable yet flawed like “Man of Steel.” Instead it all feels rushed and I found myself face palming and sighing multiple times during this film. I didn’t care about the characters because we were never given time to, or in the case of Superman and his villains…they were so poorly written no amount of time could have fixed it.

The Ending – Superman dies but maybe isn’t dead, he sent Lois a ring proposing to her, Lex says a bigger bad is coming from beyond the stars and Wonder Woman and Batman work on forming the Justice League to honor Superman…None of this worked.

  This is a film that could have been great. Had we gotten a story that only involved “Batman v Superman” and was Snyder’s “Dark Knight Returns,” it would have been amazing! There would have been focus, there wouldn’t have been the baggage and clutter and the larger themes wouldn’t have become lost within this mess of a plot. I don’t recommend this film at all, Affleck is not reason enough to see this film, just wait until the stand alone “Batman” film is released. This film is loud, pointless and the good of Batman is not enough to offset the cluttered story, terrible villains and bland Superman. I seriously don’t recommend this film. Not worth your money or time. Zack Snyder should have just done his version of “The Dark Knight Returns” or done another solo Superman movie.

Final Score: 5 / 10 For the good Batman story in the mess.