A Good Day to Die Hard (2013): John McClane is not James Bond and This Film is a Cliched Mess

       “A Good Day to Die Hard” succeeds in meeting new lows for this Franchise. This film is lazy, continues all the problems of the last film and even adds some new ones, just in case you thought the other film didn’t have bad enough writing this film decides to add horrible CGI, a nonsensical part that doesn’t even know what it wants the threat to be in the end. This film is hands down, one of the worst films I have ever watched. I’ll get into more of the reasons why later in the review.

     The film was directed by John Moore, written by Skip Woods and produced by Alex Young and Wyck Godfrey.

       The story involves John McClane (Bruce Willis) going to Russia to rescue his son Jack (Jai Courtney) who has got himself arrested in order to help a political prisoner, Yuri (Sebastian Koch) escape Russia. They both soon find themselves in over their heads as John’s arrival puts his mission at risk.

   There aren’t any pros or okays to name in this film so I’m just going to through the list of the many ways this film didn’t work at all.

 The Cinematography – The cinematography is super lazy. It is “Terminator 3” level and looks like a made for tv movie. The CGI really stands out and there are no unique shots so it depends on the writing and the writing is awful.

The Writing – The writing is cliched and has McClane going full tough guy, which in the first 3 films he was macho but that wasn’t what defined his character. In this he is a cartoon character…even Bond is more subtle, and I’m talking the Brosnan Bond who had zero subtly.

The Action – The action is boring and predictable…the last film for being as bad as it was, at least had passable action. It wasn’t the same repeated shot…in this they fight the same helicopter fight and we never know what is going on with the villains. They take no time to develop them because they just want to get to explosions. This film makes Michael Bay films look good.

The Special Effects – There is a scene with a truck hanging out of the back of a helicopter…it looks like 90’s level special effects…and this is 2013 when the film was made. Seriously, screw this film.

The Characters – If you though McClane was a cartoon character last film, this is even worse! This is how Hollywood imagines James Bond as an everyman when he isn’t an every man and John McClane was never and never shall be James Bond.

The Villains – They are political exiles but I never knew what they wanted. There is talk about a file and Chernobyl. I read the Wikipedia page and I’m still confused about what they wanted. Scientist dad and his assassin daughter just exist as threats for the sake of being threats…

Jack McClane / John McClane Jr. – Jai Courtney puts in his most bland performance since ‘Terminator Genisys!” He is allways reacting to his dad and is daddy issues incarnate without any real explanation given John McClane was saving the world in the last 4 films. He’s a secret agent so I’m assuming he’d known that, but that is also assuming these writers aren’t hacks and going for easy drama rather than realistic drama…and that’d be too much to ask.

John McClane – It feels like Hollywood really wants him as Bond or the agent from “Taken.” McClane has never been that and will never be that and when you have him pulling off impossible feats he ceases to be a character. For all intents and purposes his name because it is profitable is tacked onto this film but the McClane that was in films 1-3 is gone.

pointless References that Insult the Audience – “Yippy-Ki-Yay,” Jack throwing the villain off the building in slow mow…it’s insulting fanservice. Hey, maybe the audience will swallow this shit if you throw in enough references to a better film…This film shows the danger of where Franchises can go where it is no longer about stories and just referencing things that were better because they actually made sense or were unique in their time and place. When you do it now…it just become parody.

John McClane is not James Bond – John McClane goes to Russia, John McClane fights a mad scientist and his assassin daughter. If this sounds like a James Bond film, well it might have worked if it was…a bad James Bond film but a James Bond film. This film doesn’t know what it wants to be and it can’t keep making McClane the secret agent when he is supposed to be the every man working stiff.

    This movie is a mess and easily one of the worst action movies I have ever watched. The entire thing feels lazy and that they just wrote a crappy Russian Spy film and just put John McClane’s name on it because they knew it would make money. There is zero reason for this to be a “Die Hard” film as the reason for McClane to be in Russia are contrived and he’s written like a cartoon James Bond. That was never the character but it feels like the version of McClane they created last film who they have hankered down on…leaving the fully formed character from films 1-3 in the dust. This film isn’t worth your time and is one of the worst films I’ve ever watched.

Final Score: 0 / 10

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) – A Good Batman Story Trapped in a Terrible Film

      “Batman v Superman” is a terrible film. There is a good film in here (“The Dark Knight Returns” and what could have more fully come with that) but all that is drowned out in the baggage of Lois and Clark and anything involving some of the worst villains I have seen on screen. Lex Luthor and Doomsday are absolutely terrible characters and I never felt threatened or interested in them due to how they were written and portrayed. This is a film that tried to do so much and ended up completely failing because of it.

     The film was directed by Zack Snyder and wrote by David Goyer with Chris Terrio. The film was produced by Deborah Snyder and Charles Roven.

     The story starts with “Man of Steel” leaves off with Bruce Wayne witnessing the destruction of a Wayne Tower by Superman in the “Battle for Metropolis,” after saving people he is filled with hate towards Superman and thinks he is a threat that must be dealt with. Elsewhere Lex Luthor plots Superman’s destruction as well.

The Pros: The Cinematography – Visually, this film like “Man of Steel” is beautiful. The dark color pallet creates a visually stunning film that Larry Fong truly did a masterful job portraying. It looks like comics turned film, which is one of the few things this film has going in it’s favor.

The Soundtrack – Hans Zimmer once again creates a beautiful score and with Junkie XL we actually get some pretty rocking pieces…for example Wonder Woman has a fantastic theme that really captures the power of her character.

Perry White – Fishburne is finally allowed to do something! I really enjoyed the small role he played in this as the cynical editor of “The Daily Planet” who knows he is in a dying industry so is making the most out of what is profitable.

Alfred – Jeremy Irons is a great Alfred. His wit is dry and sharp and you can tell that he’s given up on helping Bruce Wayne move on so simply does what he can to protect him and help him realize the bigger picture. He really is an awesome character and I wish we’d gotten more time with him.

Bruce Wayne / Batman – Ben Affleck is a fantastic Batman and I can’t wait to see his solo outing. He potrays Batman who has lost all sense of grounding and has gone full Punisher so well…this is the Batman of “The Dark Returns.” He’s lost everything and is ready to do anything to protect his city and people, even if it means killing an unknown quantity like Superman. From his branding of criminals, to his shooting of minions…this Batman has lost all hope and really doesn’t reclaim any sense of self until the very end.

Against Authority and the Corruption of Power – A running theme is one of anti-authority and a critique of power, especially that which is absolute. We see the government hearings, Batman and Lex attempt to hold Superman’s power in check, while in the case of Lex and Batman they were already a corrupt power already out for themselves…in this way there really aren’t any heroes. No one is there to protect the innocent and reel unchecked power in, and that is the true tragedy of the film as this should have been what the film was about with a moral Superman and vigilante Batman.

Okay: Wonder Woman / Diane Prince – We don’t get to know Wonder Woman all that well except to learn she was around in World War 1 and is a Meta-human. She has an awesome theme song though and the scenes we have with her are alright. I’m interested in her solo film at least.

The Cons: Lois Lane – Lois continues to be a cipher and plot device and I couldn’t stand her character. She never brings up Jimmy Olsen or his death or asks Superman why he isn’t looking at the bigger picture beyond her, she’s part of the problem with Superman and that never gets called out. She is a core reason why he’s so selfish.

Martha Wayne – Martha is just kind of there and also enabling Superman’s lack of growth as she tells him that he owes humanity nothing (um, Earth is his adopted world so he owes it by being a part of it) and she like Lois just needs to be saved and focuses as a cliched plot device.

Superman / Clark Kent – This guy is a cipher who can only see Lois and random people on television tops. I thought he’d seek to write the wrongs of the battle of Metropolis but instead he spends all his time being selfish and not taking those who may die in his fights into account. He has no moral high ground over Batman and is just as bad. If Lex had actually been a well written character I would have been rooting for him to kill this guy.

Doomsday – Boring villain who looks like a giant Cave Troll and gets more powerful when he is hit with energy. Seriously, he only exists to kill Superman. He wasn’t even needed in this as Batman could have killed Superman and realized his mistake…instead we get a villain that is poorly rendered CGI and has zero character.

Let Luthor – Where Doomsday has zero character Lex lacks a consistent character. I didn’t know why he wanted to kill Superman as him being anti-alien and super hero made no sense when he created Doomsday, his plots were also pointless too as Batman was already trying to kill Superman. Jessie Eisenberg is just awful. Seriously, this guy annoyed me more than Sandman and Venom in “Spider-Man 3” and Doctor Doom in the “Fantastic Four” films. One theory is he is Lex Jr. and the real Lex Luthor is still in the wings, I hope so because this guy is an inconsistent joke who comes off as a really poor rendition of the Joker.

Lack of Focus – There are three films in this. The Batman film, which is good. The Justice League film which goes from okay to bad, and the Superman film which is just terrible. Either one of these films on their own could have been a favorite, or at least enjoyable yet flawed like “Man of Steel.” Instead it all feels rushed and I found myself face palming and sighing multiple times during this film. I didn’t care about the characters because we were never given time to, or in the case of Superman and his villains…they were so poorly written no amount of time could have fixed it.

The Ending – Superman dies but maybe isn’t dead, he sent Lois a ring proposing to her, Lex says a bigger bad is coming from beyond the stars and Wonder Woman and Batman work on forming the Justice League to honor Superman…None of this worked.

  This is a film that could have been great. Had we gotten a story that only involved “Batman v Superman” and was Snyder’s “Dark Knight Returns,” it would have been amazing! There would have been focus, there wouldn’t have been the baggage and clutter and the larger themes wouldn’t have become lost within this mess of a plot. I don’t recommend this film at all, Affleck is not reason enough to see this film, just wait until the stand alone “Batman” film is released. This film is loud, pointless and the good of Batman is not enough to offset the cluttered story, terrible villains and bland Superman. I seriously don’t recommend this film. Not worth your money or time. Zack Snyder should have just done his version of “The Dark Knight Returns” or done another solo Superman movie.

Final Score: 5 / 10 For the good Batman story in the mess.

The Last Witch Hunter (2015): Good Actors Can’t Save This Script

    “The Last Witch Hunter” isn’t good, it isn’t so bad it’s good…but it does have what could have been a good film within it if it had handled things differently than it did. There is a great cast here and it feels like a Vin Diesel passion project. For what it’s worth I didn’t hate it, but it was a bad film.

    The film was directed by Breck Eisner. and written by Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless and produced by Mark Canton and Bernie Goldmann.

    The story involves Kaulder who defeats the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht) and is cursed with immortality in the process. In the present the With Queen’s followers are attempting resurrect her and it is up to Kaulder and the Dolan (26th played by Caine, 27th by Wood) to stop him.

The Pros: The World – The idea of Witches being born of another species is kind of cool. It gives them a faerie vibe especially as they specialize in nature spells in most of what they do and the Witch Queen functions in a tree and connecting people like roots.

Okay: The Actors – The actors all do alright, but the cons drive them down and keep their performances from being great.

Vin Diesel – His Kaulder has two emotions, fearless and fearful and nothing in-between. This is largely the fault of the script more than anything else so Diesel becomes an actor more wooden than Groot.

Rose Leslie – Ygritte from “Game of Thrones” is sassy in this as as the rebel witch but her character is never given any motivation. She owns a magic bar that she loses when the Witch Queen’s minion destroys it but that is about it. She is there to be rescued and the love interest.

Michael Caine – He is the 26th Dolan who is protecting and advising Kaulder and also lies to him as they keep the Witch Queen’s heart which is why she’s still alive. He is nearly killed by her minions but Kaulder saves him and we learn he was going to tell Kaulder the truth. Still only okay as a character though.

The Cons: The Script – The writing is terrible and makes George Lucas look great by comparison. It hurt to listen too as we are given so much tell and not any show and the tell isn’t even told that well.

The 27th Dolan – Elijah Wood does an obvious betrayal and there is nothing that can save it, this is one of his worst performances.

The Witch Queen – Her hatred of humanity is never fully explained and she just wasn’t all that threatening or scary.

The Special Effects – The cinematography isn’t unique or special in any way and there is nothing that keeps this from being a made for tv film.

  This was a film that is really forgettable, it’s enjoyable the times the idea of the world comes through but there is so much bringing it down, especially the writing. It is easily one of the worst films I have watched this year.

Final Score: 3 / 10

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003): Feels Like a Made for Television Movie and Misses What Made It’s Predecessors Good

     This was not a good film, not by any stretch of the imagination. At it’s best it is a forgettable action film that misses the entire point of what made the other 2 films good and at it’s worst it is an example of so many of the things Hollywood and the Studios can get wrong about making films. Where the other films had memorable characters and stylized ways in which scenes were cast this one has forgettable character and cinematography that looks like it came out of a low budget television movie. For an end to a trilogy (an end that wasn’t needed in the first place) this one missed the mark by a long shot.

    The film was directed by Jonathan Mostow and written by John Brancato and Michael Ferris who also did the story with Tedi Sarafian. The film was produced by Mario Kassar, Andrew G. Vajna, Joel B. Michaels, Hal Lieberman and Colin Wilson.

    The story involves a T-X being sent back in time to kill all the resistant leaders before they have the chance to join John Connor while John Connor is just trying to survive. When the T-X discovers him her mission changes as she hunts him and his future wife Kate Brewster. From here the story unfolds as Future John has also sent back an updated Model 101 to defend them and prepare John for Judgement Day.

The Pros: Nick Stahl – Nick Stahl does a great job as John Connor, but he is given such a horrible script that nothing can be done with it. This movie is a terrible joke that he is in the middle of and his talent is wasted here, he does a good job with what he has though.

Okay: The Action – Some of the action sequences are decent, like the fight on a moving crane as cars chase Kate and John but some are pretty bad too, especially since the action serves no purpose. We know Arnold is the Terminator and after “T2” we are supposed to root for him I guess? So none of the action serves a purpose, John and Kate also never get the chance to stand on their own, they always need to be saved from the T-X.

The Cons: The Writing – The writing is just bad. It keeps trying to take the one liners from “The Terminator” and “T2” to bring back nostalgia but fails terribly. It also tries to make the new Model 101 literal and not know human nature but know it enough to create awkward jokes about mating…and recycling catch phrases. This script hurts the mind. There was no effort in creating it.

The Cinematography – The cinematography is forgettable. It’s liking watching a SyFy original movie or something made on a really low budget with zero creativity. Nothing is emphasized and characters and moments are forgotten as nothing is focused on…this is an example of what not to do.

T-X – T-X is the sexualized Terminator. She appears and always chooses the partner of whomever she is hunting and it even has her licking blood sexually to recognize who she killed. What a joke. She is meant to be super-powered but she only manages to kill the Model 101 who we all knew was going to die anyway and should have never been in this film in the first place. This is the kind of villain you’d see in a terrible B Movie or an original SyFy movie…basically this villain is an insult and a joke. She feels like a character that was created in a board room where they thought that people like models who are good looking and sex sells so lets put it in a Terminator!

The 2nd Model 101 – The first Model 101 had an arc, this one is just a plot device. If John needs to hook up with Kate the Model 101 will provide the means, if John needs to toughen up the Model 101 will grow his anger…and if someone needs rescueing or the T-X needs to be killed, the Model 101 is here. There is no character and the only reason Arnold was brought back is he is such an iconic part of this Series but he can’t carry it. Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese carried the first film and John Connor and Sarah Connor carried the second one. The Model 101 in “T2” was a good supporting character because he changed and was a character, this one is a plot device and a poor one at that. It is a cynical play at nostalgia.

Kate Brewster – Kate is there for John and that’s it. Her whole point is to become his wife so she isn’t given any choice. She is wholly defined by her Father who is in charge of the new Skynet and John who was her first kiss and future husband. She has no agency and is always running. She helps trap the T-X at one point and she traps John when he breaks into her clinic at the beginning and nothing else. She was a wasted character…like most of the characters in this film.

Forgettable Characters – There are a few minor characters who would later join the resistance who all get killed and there are some blank characters like Kate’s father and fiance who die just to advance the plot and get John to the area where he can lead the resistance as the world is ending. They are there and I didn’t feel their deaths at all.

Sexualizing the Terminators – The T-800 steals his clothes from a stripping gigalo but he is never sexualized the one Female Terminator is we see. From licking blood off her finger, to killing the future resistance members by luring them in…there isn’t even an emotionless robot thing going on. This Terminator doesn’t feel like a robot at all and all that is played up is the tech and sex…

Bad Comedy – The Terminator Model 101 doesn’t get sex, he had catch phrases and repeats phrases back like “I cannot each shit and die.” It was going for humor but it feels so forced and no one is in it or cares (and the writing doesn’t help) so it just comes off as fake and stilted.

Inconsistent Tone – Brutal deaths intermixed with terrible jokes and the end of the world and us wanting to feel hope at the end now that John is fulfilling his destiny and leading the resistance for humanity? There is no theme, there is no focus and there is no consistent tone. It is just bad.

James Cameron should have been the one to complete his trilogy. Rarely does trading writers and directors because the studio wishes it…lead to anything good. This film is it’s own special kind of terrible and there is nothing good to say about it beyond it having serviceable action and Nick Stahl doing the best he could with a really crappy script. This film was clearly a cynical cash grab and it shows. There is no soul in this film and it was hoping that attaching “Terminator” to the title and having Arnold make an appearance again that it would be saved…missing the point of the second one that the only reason the T-800 returning as Model 101 worked was due to him being the enemy of the first film and how it’s existence helped Sarah Connor to grow and see a new perspective, and also to show us that Terminator’s could change too. This film has none of that, there is no depth, the character arcs that are there are forgettable and predictable and the end of the world, “Judgment Day” happens and it doesn’t mean thing. This film was a waste and is not worth your time.

Final Score: 2 / 10

Jupiter Ascending (2015): Convoluted, Pointless Action With an Annoying and Passive Protagonist

       This film was not very good. It would have been okay as a made for television movie but the Wachowski Siblings really missed the mark with this one, which is a shame as “Cloud Atlas” was so amazing. There are a lot of reasons this film didn’t work, but for me the biggest problem is Jupiter is an extremely passive protagonist, the majority of the film is her getting saved so there is no point to her being the title character as Caine is the one doing all the action and in the end driving the plot, Jupiter is nothing more than a Space McGuffin and it’s really annoying.

      The film was directed by the Wachowskis who also produced and wrote it, and the other producer was Grant Hill.

     The story involves Jupiter (Mila Kunis) who is the reincarnation of the Queen of the most powerful family in the Universe. From here the story unfolds as she realizes her power and works with Caine (Channing Tatum) to stop her mother’s children of House Abrasax from taking her title and destroying the Earth.

The Pros: The Special Effects – The Special Effects are pretty cool and there was clearly a lot of creativity put into the alien and ship design, it’s a shame that same passion wasn’t given to the writing or the actors. This is one of the few pros of the film, it does look good.

Stinger – Sean Bean plays a character who doesn’t die! He is who Caine goes to for help as Stinger had stood up for him when Caine had gone feral as they are both hybrids. Stinger is half-bee so it means he was able to fly at one point (that feels so weird to write). His character works to protect his daughter and he betrays Jupiter at one point to get the cure for her, though of course he joins the final battle to help Caine save the day.

The Cons: The Characters – Besides Stinger no one had motivations that felt real, they all felt overly convoluted and not fully fleshed out. I didn’t understand why Caine was all wound up and why he was working for one of the Abrasax family members and Jupiter was just passive and obsessed with a telescope because her dad had been, that is her single character trait. The Braxis are all selfish kids with Mommy issues and the good characters are just there to drive the plot. It’s sad how much potential was lost here with this world, since it’s an original Space Opera, I wanted to like it.

Passive McGuffin Jupiter – Jupiter is saved nearly 3 times in the first 20 minutes of the film, the rest of the film is Caine getting her out of more situations since she is the McGuffin of the plot as her blood can protect the Earth. She does nothing on her own and all choices are forced on her, I hated it. She is special because of her blood since she is the reincarnation of the Mother of Abrasax and the heir but she does nothing with that power, everyone else tries to use that power which made me wonder why we just didn’t get the film from their perspective. Mila Kunis’s acting doesn’t help as she sounds bored or helpless the entire time.

The Action – Sometimes the action looks like it’s from a Michael Bay film, the camera pans and in unfocused so it is hard to know fully what’s going on except Caine is fighting some baddie and Jupiter needs to be saved, again.

House Abrasax – So they make money harvesting people to prolong life is what they are all about and they use other aliens as labor but there is never any reason for the aliens to follow them, the only ones we see using the the Human Fountain of Youth are Humans so there isn’t really any point to the other aliens being around or for them to follow House Abrasax. Also the sibling rivalry felt contrived and Eddie Redmayne’s character was really bad, he could have hammed it up so much more but he was just tired and weird.

  If you are looking for good original Sci. Fi. films like I was, don’t look here. A movie needs more than special effects to carry it and if you are going to name your movie after the title character, have her actually do something besides being rescued every 10 minutes. Suffice to say, I was not impressed with this film and do not recommend it at all. This is a very great leap down from “Cloud Atlas” and I hope the Wachowskis don’t have this be their final film, or they will be ending their legacy on a very poor note.

Final Score: 3 / 10

Mad Max (1979): Stupid Action with no Interesting Characters

      After being spoiled by “Snowpiercer,” I was expecting more from the Post-Apocalyptic classics…especially the ones that spawned franchises (“Planet of the Apes” series did well at least). After this, I may watch the others in the lead up to the new “Mad Max” film coming out, but if the story and characters don’t improve I’m going to tear it apart as harshly as this one.

      The original “Mad Max” was directed by George Miller who also wrote the screenplay and story, produced by Byron Kennedy who also helped write story and James McCausland who did the screenplay with George Miller. The fact that it looks like they knew what they wanted makes how much it failed to deliver all the stronger.

     The story takes place in a world where law and order have broken in a dystopic Australia and the gangs rule the streets, with the police only functioning as a stronger group of gangs trying uphold the law that once was. Corruption is rampant and the main gang who targets the main character Max (Mel Gibson) for killing one of their boys Night Rider begins reeking havoc all around when they come for revenge. From here the story unfolds as Max is given reasons to seek revenge, and reasons to stay on the police force and stick to the status quo. This conflict eventually comes to a head and the story unfolds from here.

Here is the assessment of the film:

The Pros: The World – As much as the characters in this world are one beat and uninteresting and uncompelling…the world they come from is quite rich. From vehicles being the thing everyone needs and basis of power being number of vehicles makes the energy crisis feel real, as the more vehicles and gas…the more power you have. The government is powerless against the gang and government in name only as the world lives in true anarchy. This is the slow reveal over the film and the one thing I really liked about it.

Okay: Max – He has character I guess? When is son is killed and wife is killed he goes and gets revenge on Toecutter’s gang who had also killed his partner Goose earlier and raped two innocents. You get why he’s complacent as his family represents the ideal of safety that he is trying to hold onto. Eventually everything is too much though when he loses that and he snaps like everyone else around him. This isn’t a pro since it happens only at the very end and the structure is horrible in how they do it…I also never got his attachment to his family. They weren’t really characters. He succeeds in revenge and a franchise is set up as he drives off into the sunset. Honestly, “El Mariachi” did the action and revenge thing a lot better.

The Action – There are some good motorcycle and car fight scenes but that is about all the movie has going for it.

Goose – Max’s partner has some personality at least, he’s sensitive (helps comfort a victim of Toecutter’s gang the Acolytes) and also has suave, arrogant charm. When he dies it is one of the few character moments in the film since Johnny Boy is now regretting his quest for revenge. This comes out of nowhere though as well as Goose just taking off on his motorcycle which leads to them trapping him. At least this character was a little fleshed out at least.

The Acolytes – They aren’t great antagonists as I never understood their motivation and what drove them to insanity and destroying of peoples’ lives…but they at least felt like a threat, so I’m putting them in the okay. Toecutter does feel foreboding in every scene he’s in.

May – We don’t get to know her character but she tries defending Jessie and Jessie’s son from the Acolytes with a shotgun. Her moment with the shotgun is pretty cool, but she doesn’t really feel like a character.

The Cons: No Strong Women – Every woman who fights back gets killed, there is a rape…women exist as perpetual victims in this and that isn’t fair. It’s giving the heroes the most basic of motivations and taking away the times they do stand up for themselves…for example Jessie knees Toecutter in the groin, sadly minutes later and he and his gang mow her down and she’s left in a coma. Even May with the shotgun is powerless and the only one who apparently knows how to do it is Max but all Max does is stare angrily and do things that anyone can do (burning Johnny Boy alive, getting the car with the powerful engine and running down the Acolytes). Why even have female characters if they only function as props? That really annoyed me and it brought down an already weak story.

       I would not recommend this movie. I know it’s a classic and some people love it…but I don’t care about Max or any of the characters because we mostly see them doing one of two actions – killing or running. That isn’t enough to get to know a character so they in the end only function as tropes…from the cop out for revenge (which Gibson would do better later), the damsel in distress (every female character for the most part), the mindless bullies (the Acolytes) and the corrupt leaders (the politician and police chief who do nothing but allow Johnny Boy out). “Snowpiercer” was depressing and had a larger point and gave every character their due…this had no point beyond destroying one-dimensional baddies and having the “Good” cop go “Bad.” That’s it.

Final Score: 3 / 10. Stupid action in an interesting  world is entertaining but not enough to carry this script. This is one of the worst films I’ve seen in a while.

Planet of the Apes (2001): How To Miss the Point of the Source Material and Waste Good Talent

What were the studios, the actors and Tim Burton thinking when they made this film? Cause it is a while since I have been this entertained from such a bad film. It captures so wonderfully what not to do…which is a shame considering they had 5 movies of inspiration to call upon. I’ll get into the details of what I mean in the assessment.

First, the premise of the film. The premise is Capt. Leo (played by Mark Wahlberg) is following after his Chimp partner Pericles in the future of 2029…Pericles is investigating a giant electromagnetic storm in space but goes off course causing Leo to go in after him. As he crosses through the storm he is transported to the future where Apes now rule Earth when his ship crash lands.

Here is the assessment of the film:

Pros: The Ape Design – I actually liked the updated Ape design, the special effects are updated so they actually look more like humanoid Apes than the ones of the Original Franchise. It isn’t groundbreaking, but it is good.

The Music – It’s Danny Elfman, he doesn’t really have any bad soundtracks, and same goes here.

Got give this movie what pros I can since it is downhill from here.

Okay: Leo – Mark Wahlberg is pretty flat as a character, but he at least has characterization, which is more than can be said in regards to most of the other characters. He isn’t bad, but the script makes him pretty bad. He’s essentially generic, like Brent in “Beneath the Planet of the Apes.”

Colonel Atter – He is General Thade’s second in command but should have been the primary antagonist. They at least had the intent to give him some depth…as seen by his former mentor becoming an enemy (Krull) and the arrival of Pericles at the end (Semos’s second coming to him which lead to them all learning the truth of Semos being bad). Michael Clarke Duncan deserved better than this…

General Krull – The General who Thane dishonors and overthrows and is living with Ari. What he represents is never fully explored and most what we know about him is told to us…at least he doesn’t go against what we are told…if that he would be a con.

Cons: The Script – The Screenplay was written by 3 people (William Broyles Jr., Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal), and it shows. There is a reason this is usually a bad sign. It means there are competing visions and conflict between the director and studio…even barring this though. The dialogue is so flat and there is nothing unique about the characters and civilizations.

The Apes – The Ape Civilization has no depth to it. They have senators but we see not senate or conflict between ideologies…There are different types of apes but all we really see are Gorillas and Chimps getting any sort of exploration. There is religion but we don’t see this…

The Humans – There is nothing here…they are tribal but as blank as the humans who couldn’t speak in the first “Planet of the Apes,” film. If you are going to have character’s speak give them a reason to be. If generic Wahlberg is deep by comparison (in this film) you have a major problem. Their fighting back makes no sense either, or how they find Leo in the Forbidden Zone. We saw no contact with humans on the way there. They had a good reason to fight obviously, but they had no fear of the apes…I guess they knew this movie was a joke too.

The Characters – The characters are all one note, some notes just have slightly longer length than others making them okay and bearable…but the rest are horrible tropes…from loving the mysterious alien (Ari – Helena Bonham Carter’s character), reforming out of nowhere (Limbo and Attar), hatred for no discernible reason (General Thade – Tim Roth’s character, and his father Zaius guest appearing as Charlton Heston) and love interest (Daena played by Estalla Warren) and quite a few other forgettable characters too.

General Thade – He isn’t the worst of the “Planet of the Apes Franchise Retrospect,” baddies so far, but he is still pretty bad. Don’t know why Tim Roth signed up for this. This is ironic a bit too since I just reviewed him in “The Incredible Hulk,” where he was in fact incredible as The Abomination. This time he is just a one note violent, angry general who has no purpose but power…why anyone follows this fool remains a mystery. Most of his actions put his troops at risk or show him as someone who could not stay a leader for long. When he isn’t screaming like a chimp he is angry and doing violence to others. He also never felt like a threat because of how incompetent he was throughout the film.

Victimization of Women – Daena and Ari are the only characters we see get branded. The writers try and fail subverting that when they both see the branding…missing the point that they never choose for themselves, or when they do it is usually at another character’s behest. Ari even offers herself up for sex to Thade who has abused her up to this point.

The Message – What message? That humans and apes should get along? That bad people should die? There was no coherent theme or point…at times it seems to be referencing slavery or animal abuse…but it never goes anywhere with it. They even have Paul Giamatti play a slaver who joins the slaves…but it makes no sense. He abuses them and after is just their friend? Nothing made any sense which accumulated in the ending. How can you miss the point of the source material (and actually having a point) so badly?

The Ending – Pericles arrives…even though he had dropped through the portal first…he saves the day even though him being a Ape who can’t talk isn’t seen as a threat to everything the apes have built their lives on…and suddenly peace? Colonel Attar’s change makes no sense since he is beating up humans and is threatened by them and was fighting them a moment before…and after Leo goes through the storm only to arrive in another future or this future? Where Apes rule the Modern World and Abraham Lincoln was a Chimp…I don’t think I need to say anymore there.

This movie was terrible and had no discernible message or point. What redeemable moments there were existed as “So Bad they were funny.” For example the writing is so flat that when it is hammed up by Tim Roth or spoken sincerely by Mark Wahlberg it feels like an unintended comedy. Thing is it has an even less  coherent narrative than “Beneath the Planet of the Apes,” and no likable or interesting characters…where “Beneath” at least had Zira, Cornelius, Dr. Zaius, Ursus and George Taylor. If you want see how not to make a “Planet of the Apes,” film or how to make a bad film, go take a look at this. It’s been a while since I’ve seen this much talent wasted, considering most of the main characters in this film were played by Oscar Winning actors.

My final Score for this film is 2 / 10.

2 points for the only 2 pros of this film.